MY ART

Just wanted to share some of the things I've painted/drawn over the last few years. Hope you like.

Hibiscus. Christmas present for Mum 2009

Quick sketch and watercolour wash of Koi pond (It didn't scan all that well)

Trevelly. Christmas present for Dad 2009

Dragon

Elephant Tray. Present for Mum

Lillies. For myself, I like lillies :)

Bowl of Fruit (Photo is fuzzy, took it on with my phone before I discovered digital cameras..lol)

Old World Roses. Pretty mirror

BIG KITTIES!

Last year we were lucky enough to afford to get yearly passes to Dreamworld Theme Park. I didn't care for whatever else we had planned for the day after I saw my Tigers. They are what I went for. I even got to pat one once!I'm pretty much in love with all of these big beautiful boys. I have many photos of them, but I picked out a few of my favourites to share with you.

This white one is the Daddy

To Breathe - A Poem

I wrote this when I fell in love with my husband.

To breathe

To learn to live

To letting go

Opening your heart

To not be afraid

To welcome new feelings

To forget old fears

To love fiercely

Without thought or effort

To just being with you

To hold

To breathe

26/8/08

©SWestlake2008

I feel like...

my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on and then put back in. I feel this overwhelming sadness that, although has eased from yesterday (which was truly the saddest day of my life so far) to just lingering there in the background, to come out in my quiet times, or when I see something that reminds me of babies. Even now my throat aches and my eyes well up with tears. I did alot of crying yesterday. Great sobbing inconsolable crying. So much that it gave me a humongous headache. It started in the toilet. I had been having those stomach aches I get before I get a period, then I went to the loo and there it was. I started sobbing in there and Hubby came to the door. "Oh hunny" he said sadly.. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry".... I sobbed and bawled. "Please come out so I can comfort you" he said.  We lay on the bed for ages while he held me and I cried. There was just nothing else to do.
I know its silly to cry over the loss of a 5 day old embryo. But it was MY little embryo. It was the start of a new little life. It had been placed in my care and it died. Never to have the chance. We had named it "Eggy".
To know that it was in there and it still didn't live is even more heartbreaking. I cant fathom how other women can do this, time and time again. This is the most horrible feeling ever. I can barely see the keyboard My eyes are so full of tears. I'm not just morning the loss of this embryo, I'm grieving that I will never have the chance to have another baby. That is a hard thing for me to deal with because I am a healthy fertile female. 
Hubby is blaming himself.
He is blaming the leukemia he had as a child.
But I don't blame him. He cant help that he got sick. It's just something that happened.
I didn't want to have to deal with the grief and loss I am feeling now. This was our last hope with IVF. We just don't have the money to do it again. Even if we did I don't know if I could go through with it again. This is just too hard. It hurts too much. 

Devastated...

The only word that comes to mind right now.