Dec 2, 2010

I feel like...

my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on and then put back in. I feel this overwhelming sadness that, although has eased from yesterday (which was truly the saddest day of my life so far) to just lingering there in the background, to come out in my quiet times, or when I see something that reminds me of babies. Even now my throat aches and my eyes well up with tears. I did alot of crying yesterday. Great sobbing inconsolable crying. So much that it gave me a humongous headache. It started in the toilet. I had been having those stomach aches I get before I get a period, then I went to the loo and there it was. I started sobbing in there and Hubby came to the door. "Oh hunny" he said sadly.. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry".... I sobbed and bawled. "Please come out so I can comfort you" he said.  We lay on the bed for ages while he held me and I cried. There was just nothing else to do.
I know its silly to cry over the loss of a 5 day old embryo. But it was MY little embryo. It was the start of a new little life. It had been placed in my care and it died. Never to have the chance. We had named it "Eggy".
To know that it was in there and it still didn't live is even more heartbreaking. I cant fathom how other women can do this, time and time again. This is the most horrible feeling ever. I can barely see the keyboard My eyes are so full of tears. I'm not just morning the loss of this embryo, I'm grieving that I will never have the chance to have another baby. That is a hard thing for me to deal with because I am a healthy fertile female. 
Hubby is blaming himself.
He is blaming the leukemia he had as a child.
But I don't blame him. He cant help that he got sick. It's just something that happened.
I didn't want to have to deal with the grief and loss I am feeling now. This was our last hope with IVF. We just don't have the money to do it again. Even if we did I don't know if I could go through with it again. This is just too hard. It hurts too much. 

3 comments:

  1. I am so deeply, deeply sorry. Your post is just tearing me up...I am sooo sorry....my heart hurts for you both.

    Your husband is a wonderful man....what a comfort he is.

    I wish I lived near you so I could come and just give you a HUGE HUG right now.
    I am sooo sorry.
    xoxo

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  2. @Caren Thankyou for your kindness. Yes he is a wonderful Hubby. I wish he thought that as well.

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