May 2, 2012

Recently I have found out that....

.....When life gets you down, wait. It will most likely want to kick you a little more.


I am having a hard time dealing with some news we received yesterday. Let me paint the picture.
I am sick, I also have my period, so I am extremely hormonal at the moment. I have not mentioned this but we recently tried and failed another IVF cycle. Our last attempt at trying for a baby ended in heartbreak. So I am still a little sensitive on the subject. And to rub it in there appears to be a plethora of babies everywhere. It's hard. With every period I have I am thinking I shouldn't be having this, I should be enjoying being pregnant. Growing a new life inside of me. But I was dealing with it in my own time. 
Then the other day I see a facebook friend, who has only just had a baby, is pregnant again with number 6. I am happy for her but my human nature also makes me want to scream. Then yesterday, with the most perfect timing, my horrid sister in law rings to tell us she is pregnant. 5 weeks. I totally lost it. I mean, really lost it. 
I cried so hard and so much my eyes were blurry for the rest of the day.
Thoughts rushing through my head. I am not a horrible person, we are great parents, why is this happening to us? What have we done? Where is the justice? Stupid thoughts but I can't stop them.
In her defence, she didn't know about our latest IVF failure. It's just the timing makes me feel like I am being punished for something. For what?
With all the shit my little family has had to deal with, why can't we catch a break? 
Life is a cruel, hard bitch.

21 comments:

  1. :'( Good things will happen, I'm sure of it! Hang in there!!

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  2. I know the feeling- though not to that extent. When the time is right, God will bless you, I am positive.

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  3. I feel for you. Try to hold out hope. It often comes when you least expect it. I know the feeling, though. Everyone around us is welcoming little ones into the world, yet we are still trying. May have to go the IVF route ourselves, in fact. Stories like yours make me dread the procedure. I'm really rooting for you, Sprite! *hugs*

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  4. @CWMartin thank you, I hope he does soon.
    @David Don't be disheartened by my failure at IVF. It is different for everybody. *hugs* back

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  5. infertility is a horrible, frustrating, angst-ridden thing to deal with. i fully understand and i hurt for you. i remember having a failed cycle of drugs and then finding out my chain smoking teenaged neighbor who already had one kid she didn't want was pregnant. that almost blew me straight up inside.
    there's light at the end. it just takes different shapes for everyone.
    hugs

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  6. I would never say I know what you're feeling but I do know what it's like when nothing makes sense. Remember you are not alone.

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  7. It helps me to believe that things turn out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes this is difficult to do. My heart goes out to you.

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  8. I'm sure you've already thought this, but whenever I hear stories like yours, I think of all the horrible parents who can't seem to figure out how to use a condom, and why lots of great parents have a hard time. It's maddening sometimes.

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  9. Sprite, I haven't experienced it myself, but my very best friend went through years of infertility, lost triplets and then, 9 months after having her daughter, her husband died. This is something I will never understand. I've held her hand, cried with her, supported her through it all, but don't know what the right answer is. To this day, I myself struggle with the why's. I'm sorry you're facing this struggle. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  10. The wife & I have been trying for a long time & we've been asking God the same things too. I know how especially frustrating it can be when everyone else around is just popping out babies everywhere. Hang in there. You're not a bad person & good things will come your way. I know it.

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  11. Hang in there Sprite!! Good things are around the corner I'm sure of it. *hugs*

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  12. Well, heck. I didn't know this and I'm sorry. This is such a hard loss and the agony of watching others around you get knocked up is a kick in the pants. A total kick in the pants. It makes no sense and you have to paint the picture you're OK with things and happy for everyone else when you are not. Sigh. Know you are in my thoughts and I'm thinking of you. Thats all I have and strangely I feel it's lacking. Hugs.

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  13. I'm sorry you're going through this, Sprite.
    Good or bad, very few people get what they "deserve".
    Trying to make sense out of non-sense is impossible.

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  14. @Sherilin I totally understand how that would have made you feel. Thanks :)
    @Dbs thank you.
    @Stephen thanks, sometimes though it's hard to accept.
    @Paul It truly is.
    @Meg wow, that is terribly tragic. Poor thing.
    @Vinny my fingers are crossed for you guys :)
    @Kelli thanks
    @CAT thanks for the hugs!
    @Lizbeth thank you. not lacking at all. very much appreciated.
    @Ant I know. I can't get my head around it. I am close to admitting defeat on this one.

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  15. It certainly is, Sprite! So, do as I do and start again every single damn day. And remember that you are the most important person your son could ever have in his life, and he is so blessed to have you.

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  16. May you be blessed today knowing you are loved.

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  17. @Karen,yeah I know.. I am just too darned brilliant.. lol!
    @Carole..aww thank you.

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  18. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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